After the longest, darkest, wettest winter any of us can remember, the Wedge Trophy at Royal Cinque Ports Golf Club represented a glimmering light at the end of the darkest of tunnels.
Troops assembled in the bar as if coming out of hibernation, only reaching their full standing posture after an aggressively spiced bloody Mary. As old foes got reacquainted, the mood was one of hope following many months of melancholy. Following a delicious bacon bap, out we emerged into a crisp, mercifully bright morning.
The first match saw Deal represented by David ‘blast-from-the-past’ Waltham and James ‘annoyingly-good-golfer’ Earley – what a sublime first group. Surely there was nobody from Walton Heath who could match this fine twosome? Think again, the dynamite pairing of Shaw and Berryman proved that not only are they the two best shaggers on the team (not even close), but they can also occasionally string together some tidy golf. Deal’s dream duo were defeated, a portentous start if ever I’ve seen one.
Inspired by the top pairing (and by the man with a big flag on the sea wall), Feneley and Sultana saw off the best named duo in golf, Flashman-Fox and Ferrari-Wells. That’s two nil to the visitors.
Match three saw what can only be described as Deal’s most amicable pairing, Faz and Glynn, do battle with Wedge virgin Ben Light and Edward ‘The Bear’ Story. Friendly banter from the home team wasn’t enough to distract the Walton boys from a 2&1 victory. More Walton Dominance. Yawn.
Now for the away team’s strongest duo, Charles Waud and Nicolas Gates. Surely untouchable? Not today – having met their match against a really rather good pairing of Michael Hedges and newcomer Alex Hill.
The tide was starting to turn – the fifth match saw Alex ‘popped’ Cork and Phil ‘Judas’ Richards sneak out a narrow win versus Walton’s Finlay ‘touch of an axe-murderer’ Hutchison and Michael ‘better than his handicap suggests (apart from today where is was unanimously acknowledged that his handicap was, if anything, not generous enough)’ Zorko.
Three – Two to Walton.
Deal ensued the match was tied at lunch thanks to a strong performance from Fentos and Biggs, slaying Walton’s captains of industry Payne and Stevens.
Guinness, pie, kummel. The lunch was dealt with efficiently. No time to waste, the message from both captains was clear – that was really a rather good pie.
Funnily enough, as we all strolled back out onto the links, something felt different. Walton started chucking away holes like they were going out of fashion. Zorko and Story managing to succumb to a comprehensive 7&2 drubbing, a rare defeat by an unusual margin.
The second and third matches followed a similar pattern, both taken by Deal 5&4. Whether this is a better or worse result than 7&2 is still with the committee for discussion.
Walton were on their knees, they had now lost six consecutive games and were on the brink of a humiliating defeat. What they needed now was a rallying call, a pair of heros brave enough to stare into the abyss and laugh, a pairing so devastatingly handsome that a simple ‘blue steel’ pout could break the nerve of their opponents. Cometh the hour, cometh Gates and Berryman over the horizon, taking down Biggs and Richards.
The Walton Heath counter-comeback was on. First three matches to Walton, next six in a row to Deal – now a tantalising draw (and Walton retention) was on the cards. Step in Cork and Early, snuffing out any flames of Walton hope like a sumo sitting on a matchstick. Their 5&4 win over wannabe pornstar Stevens and actual pornstar Raison was the decisive blow. Deal had won the Wedge Trophy, continuing the theme of home dominance starting in 2019.
The final match was now academic, but no less exciting for it. Deal closed it out on the 18th hole with the three ‘F’s of Farrell and Flashman-Fox pipping Payne and Feneley to the post. Flipping fantastic.
Then a rush to the clubhouse to watch our heroic national rugby team lose by a whisker against (probably) the best team in the world, Italy.
As per Wedge tradition, before anyone can enter the dining room, the Least Valuable Player on the losing team has to serve the winning team Champagne from the Wedge Tray(phy). Licking his wounds, Captain Waud circled the room, trying to pin down exactly where it all went wrong. Gentlemen of a certain character must never complain about the quality of their foursomes partners, so picking the LVP is often a tricky business. Happily the Walton team found it surprisingly straightforward, with all fingers pointed at once-bandit Zorko.
Your correspondent collected the following statements from those on the ground (anonymised for discretion):
‘He’s a really nice guy but wow he’s bad at golf’ – Fi**lay Huthc***on
‘A lot of people say he’s a nice guy but I disagree’ – Edw**d S**ry
Michael Zorko accepted his fate, Champagne was served and evening activities were commenced in earnest.
Following a delightful dinner, another Wedge tradition. Newcomers to the match were invited to say a few words as a means of introducing themselves to the wider group. After pudding, Jack Raison was introduced by the Walton Heath Captain to say a few words. Everyone was ready for a lesson in humility and grace. Who would he thank first, the greenkeepers or the waiting staff? What did he think of the unusual North-Westerly wind? How grateful was he to have been handed such accomplished playing partners, James and Simeon? A bit formulaic but it all needs to be said.
…or does it?
What followed was one of the most bizarre, disturbing and entertaining anecdotes in the history of the Wedge, or possibly in the history of golf. Never did the audience expect an electric toothbrush, an iPhone and his mum’s bathroom to be brought together with such devastating effect.
Following this onslaught from Jack (Sultana) Raison, it was left for the Deal newbie, Alex Hill, to plough a more conventional furrow. He did so elegantly to a still-dumbfounded audience.
And so as the pensioners slunk off to bed and the youngsters partied on into the night, another glorious Wedge drew to a close. A magnificent time had by all. I, for one, will never look at a dehydrated grape in quite the same way again.
By Andrew Berryman
Royal Walton Heath – Wedge VC
